Overheard in New York Quote of the Day

Guido #1: She was givin' me lip, so I returned the favor by pissing on her face.

Guido #2: For real dog, that's what you gotta do.

Guido #1: I had to go anyways, so it was really two birds and a stone.

--Fordham University, Rose Hill

Hero of the Day: Jill Carroll

As you all probably know already, Jill Carroll, the American journalist kidnapped in Iraq three months ago, was freed today. She is unharmed, looks very healthy and was very articulate and intelligent-sounding as she described her experience. She also had this to say:

All I can say right now is that I'm just happy to be free. I was treated very well. It's important people know that, that I was not harmed. They never said they would hit me, never threatened me in any way.

I'm not saying anything about anything. I just have two words: Guantanamo Bay.

On the subway...

This morning on the subway, I saw a 400 lb. Black man with a cane reading a book called "Raw and Uncut: Every Thug Needs a Lady." I might not have even noticed it was porn if it hadn't been for the naked and oiled couple on the cover, strategically posed in an immodest sexual entanglement. I might also not have noticed if this particular man didn't conjure up nauseating and perverse mental images. This guy had girth, and I don't mean in the good way.

Then as I was buying my egg on a roll and cart coffee, this guy standing next to me, who looked like he had consumption and oral herpes, bowed over into a coughing fit. I'm pretty sure that if you're within a 5 block radius of 33rd and 7th, you should leave the area immediately. Remember the Plague?

Forget Y'all

None of you helped me. I still only have .69 cents in my AdSense account (heh heh) and I still don't know how to reformat my blog. I shouldn't even be giving away the secrets of the APA, but because I've only been blogging for two days, I guess I really can't blame you guys for not stepping up to the plate. So, here's just a peek at the conversation between my psychiatrist and me:

Doctor: Repeat after me. Bus, door, pen.
Me: Bus, door, pen.
Doctor: What is today's date?
Me: The 29th.
Doctor: Month?
Me: March.
Doctor: Day of the week.
Me: Ummm, Wednesday.
Doctor: Who is the mayor of New York City?
Me: Bloomberg.
Doctor: What county are we in?
Me: Um, New York County?
Doctor: Yes, good. When was the Civil War fought?
Me: I have no clue. 1812?
Doctor: At least you got the 1800's right.
Me: Well then, who fought the War of 1812?
Doctor: ...uhhh...I guess that's why I don't ask that question. Anyway, what are the three words I asked you to repeat before?
Me: ...bus...door...pen.
Doctor: Good.

So, I guess I'm not crazy. I'm just ignorant when it comes to American History. L. Ron Hubbard would say it's because my Thetan levels are all askew, and that I've got an evil alien living within me. My mom would say "It's a God-shaped hole, Corinne."

Me, I just like to manage the crazy with a couple pills and a lot of sexual intercourse.

Help me!

OK, since I'm pretty popular after two days of blogging, I'd love it if any reader in my expansive audience would click on the Google ads above, just for shits and giggles. I joined AdSense and am very interested to see how many pennies I can accumulate simply by asking a handful of people to click, click, click.

Also, if anyone knows how to format a blog such that my profile and links will be on the upper-right-hand side of my posts, instead of all the way at the bottom, I'd love it if you'd let me in on that little nugget of information.

If anyone fulfills either of these rather painless requests, I promise to update my blog on the goings on at my shrink, whom I am leaving to see in just a few minutes. We'll be uncovering 25 years of crazy, people, so I'd think long and hard before you decide to navigate away from my page without clicking on my ad or helping me format my blog.

Confirming what we already knew...

Republicans are whiny bitches.

An Arkansas science teacher was ordered not to tell his students the actual age of stones.[Arkansas Times] A poll found that Americans trust atheists even less than Muslims, recent immigrants, and lesbians,[UMN News] and a researcher at the University of California, Berkeley, found that confident, self-reliant children tend to grow up to be liberals, while whiny, annoying children tend to grow up to be conservatives.[The Star]

Overheard In New York Quote of the Day

In tribute to the city I love, and it's people that I merely tolerate, but who also crack me up, I've decided to implement an overheard phrase of the day.

Drunk girl: Sometimes, when I look at myself through the microscope of cold, hard objectivity, I think to myself, "God, you are awesome!" --47th & 9th

And in tribute to the man I love, here's a picture of Michael Stipe that was featured on Overheard today.

People who bore me in the elevator

Suit 1: We've got apples to apples.
Suit 2: Let's throw an orange in there.

This is just a tiny clip of a much longer, and equally ridiculous conversation I overheard in the elevator just now. What is it with businessmen and cheesy office metaphors? That shit doesn't even make sense!

Meanwhile, my cart coffee and egg on a roll is just lovely, as always. Plus, The Wife and I just purchased tickets to see Ani's first show in our area since she went on a touring hiatus. July 13th, Summer Stage!!

Between the coffee and the Ani and the surprise visit last night, I'm feeling much better about work, even if I still want to beat a certain associate with a pineapple.

I *almost* got fired today...

...but no such luck. I was told, however, that I have an awful attitude, and that numerous attorneys that I work for have called my boss to complaint about it. Basically, people are afraid to assign projects to me because of my abrasiveness and indifference. All I could think was, "So it's working!!" My boss doesn't seem to even care. She was all smiles as she was telling me this, saying that she has contacts at other firms if I hate it here so much (this just in: I don't discriminate. I hate ALL lawyers) and that if I wanted, we could work out a part-time deal if this place has become too unbearable for me. It's like she knows how this place is a vaccuum that just sucks the life out of any breating creature. So, in short, I told her that I'm unhappy here, that the work is unrewarding and that basically I'm just doing what I have to before I book it the hell out of here come August. So we agreed that I would fake it until then. I stopped just short of telling her that I have no financial motivation to do anything for anyone., but that's the real truth.

But, since it's high time (no pun intended) for me to start being a little less of a pothead graduate student and a little more of an upstanding contributor to society and the workplace, I'll give this "positive attitude" thing a shot. I'd hate to go giving anyone here the pleasure of seeing my gorgeous smile, or the idea that I actually like them, but it might be worth it in overtime. Especially since I'm going to milk that for all it's worth to finance my Texas Hold 'Em addiction. Look out Law Offices of the Antichrist - I'm about to take full advantage of all your perks until August when I never have to see your fugly mugs ever again!!

I'm hoping this new blog will serve as an appropriate outlet for all my workplace frustration, sarcasm and anecdotes of complete ridiculousness. Maybe someone will even read it.